Silicon Valley Stunned as Elizabeth Holmes Finally Delivers Results That Beat Projections
A nearly three-hour documentary about the Theranos founder opened to $15 million from just 855 cinemas, double what it was tracking. Investors are calling it the first Theranos number to survive an audit.
Satire This article is fiction. Any resemblance to sane reality is coincidental.
LOS ANGELES — For the first time in the long and complicated history of Theranos, a product connected to Elizabeth Holmes has gone to market, been tested by the public, and produced results better than anyone promised.
“You Can See Everything,” the A24 documentary about Holmes directed by Nathan Fielder and Lance Oppenheim, took $15 million at the North American box office this weekend from just 855 cinemas, according to Variety. Going into the weekend, Variety reports, it was tracking for $7 million to $8 million. It roughly doubled its forecast.
“Do you know how rare it is for anything Theranos-adjacent to beat its own projections?” said a fictional venture capitalist who asked not to be named, mostly because he does not exist. “Usually the projections are the product.”
A drop of blood, a lot of tickets
The numbers are real, and they are strange. According to Deadline, the film sold out more than 2,000 screenings over the weekend. Its opening is the second-best ever for a documentary, behind only “Fahrenheit 9/11,” which opened to $23.9 million in 2004. Its average of about $17,500 per cinema is the best for a film on fewer than 1,000 screens since “Borat.”
The film runs nearly three hours. It is a documentary. As Variety points out, it is not a concert film and does not involve music. Two months ago, it was not on anyone’s radar. On paper, it is the kind of pitch that gets laughed out of the room, which, in fairness, is also what people should have done with the original.
Deadline reports that 70% of the audience was under 35, and that the film holds a 4.8 on Letterboxd, the highest score ever recorded on the platform. The Dropout generation has grown up and, apparently, wants a sequel.
Wall Street takes notes
Startup founders were said to be studying the opening closely. Our invented consultant reports a sudden rise in pitch decks featuring the phrase “limited theatrical release” and a slide titled “Tracking: $7m. Actual: $15m. Verified by an independent third party, which we can name.”
“The key insight is that the audience could actually see the thing,” said the consultant. “That has never happened before in this sector.”
Meanwhile, “Street Fighter,” a video game adaptation playing in 3,575 cinemas, won the weekend with about $30 million, per Variety. That is twice the money from more than four times the screens. Paramount’s analysts are reportedly looking into whether they can make “Street Fighter” longer and sadder.
What comes next
Deadline reports that A24 planned to keep the release tight to build buzz, then go wider next weekend. That strategy, slowly expanding access after proving demand, would be considered revolutionary in certain corners of the medical diagnostics industry.
Holmes herself is not on any box office conference calls. But for the first time in about a decade, the market is looking at a number tied to her name and nobody is asking for a recount.
This is satire. The venture capitalist, the consultant, the pitch-deck trend and Paramount’s analysts are invented. The box office figures, sellouts, tracking estimates, audience data, Letterboxd score and A24’s release plans are real and sourced above.