Mercedes-AMG Builds Silent 1,169hp Electric SUV, Then Adds Speakers So It Sounds Like a V8
AMG's first SUV designed from the ground up hits 100km/h in 2.5 seconds, charges at up to 710kW, and comes with the authentic sound of an engine it doesn't have.
Satire This article is fiction. Any resemblance to sane reality is coincidental.
This is satire. The jokes are invented; the facts in the “What actually happened” section are reported by the outlets linked below.
AFFALTERBACH, Germany — After 59 years of making some of the loudest cars on Earth, Mercedes-AMG has finally built a full-size SUV entirely by itself, from the ground up. It is electric. It is silent. And, in a move engineers describe as “emotionally necessary,” it plays recordings of a V8 so that nobody has to find out what silence feels like at 270km/h.
“Our customers told us they wanted the future,” said an imaginary AMG product manager, adjusting a volume knob labelled ‘Heritage’. “Then they told us they wanted it to sound exactly like the past. We listened. Mostly through the speakers.”
The top model, the GT 63, uses three axial-flux motors to produce up to 1,169 horsepower, enough to reach 100km/h in 2.5 seconds. That is roughly the time it takes a passenger to say “please slow down,” though not long enough for them to finish.
Inside, the soundtrack can be set to V8 or six-cylinder. Early testers reportedly asked whether a four-cylinder option was available. They were escorted from the building.
“People ask why a car with no exhaust needs an exhaust note,” said our imaginary engineer. “We ask why a car that can charge at 710 kilowatts needs a cup holder. Some things are about the soul.”
The 710kW charging figure means the SUV can refill faster than most drivers can buy a coffee, which is a problem for motorway services whose entire business model depends on people being stuck there for 40 minutes. Industry analysts expect the coffee to get more expensive to compensate.
Rivals were quick to respond. “Our electric SUV is also very fast,” said an imaginary spokesperson for a competitor we will not name, though it rhymes with Porsche Cayenne Turbo Electric. “And quieter. Unless you buy the speakers.”
At launch, the entry-level GT 53 starts at €113,050, a price AMG hopes will appeal to buyers who want their family car to be able to embarrass a fighter jet on the school run. The more powerful versions follow next spring, along with, presumably, a firmware update that adds the sound of a turbo whooshing.
What actually happened
Mercedes-AMG unveiled the GT SUV, its first full-size SUV developed entirely in-house, on its AMG.EA electric architecture. The GT 63 uses three axial-flux motors for up to 860kW (1,169hp), 0-100km/h in 2.5 seconds, 0-200km/h in 6.8 seconds and a top speed of 270km/h with the Driver’s Package. Its battery supports charging at up to 710kW. The GT 55 makes up to 600kW (816hp) and the GT 53 400kW (544hp). The car offers an “immersive sound experience” with the sound of a V8 or six-cylinder engine. The GT 53 is available to order from October 20 from €113,050; the GT 63 and GT 55 follow in spring 2027, per Mercedes. The Verge says it may out-muscle the Porsche Cayenne Turbo Electric and Lucid Gravity, and Automotive News reports it reaches US dealers next summer as a 2028 model.