Google Insists Its Maps Follow Official Sources, Not the President's Phone Calls
Trump told a Kentucky rally that Google 'kisses my ass' now. Google says it just reads a government database. Both may be true, and that's the joke.
Satire This article is fiction. Any resemblance to sane reality is coincidental.
HIGHLAND HEIGHTS, Ky. — The President of the United States told a rally on Saturday that one of the world’s most powerful technology companies now treats him with a level of respect best described in words we will be quoting directly, because nobody would believe a paraphrase.
“This is a much more powerful term. I can do stuff that’s unbelievable,” Donald Trump said, according to The Verge. “I called Google, Google Maps. See, Google wouldn’t have taken my call in the first term. Now they kiss my ass.”
He went on, per the Associated Press: “Well, I also changed the name of a lake in Canada to the Lake America,” a reference to Lake Ontario, which remains partly in Canada no matter what anybody types into a map.
Google’s version of events
Google’s account of the same events is, let’s say, less vivid. The company has said Maps reflects “official government sources, which is GNIS for the US”, meaning the Geographic Names Information System, a federal database. Users in the US see “Gulf of America” and “Lake America”. Users in Mexico still see the Gulf of Mexico, users in Canada still see Lake Ontario, and everyone else gets both names side by side.
So the official story is that a database was updated and Google’s software read it. The President’s story is that he phoned Google and Google, emotionally speaking, took a knee.
“Technically we just synced a government data feed,” said an entirely fictional Google spokesperson, staring into the middle distance. “But if he wants to believe it was personal, honestly, it’s cheaper than another antitrust case.”
A product launch nobody asked for
Insiders at our imaginary Mountain View bureau report that engineers are already working on features for the Maps app’s new deference era. A “Presidential Mode” would rename any body of water within 50 miles of a rally. Another update would replace the blue dot showing your location with a small gold one. Street View cars would reportedly be fitted with a gentle applause track.
Apple Maps, which follows a similar naming policy, declined to comment in our imagination, mainly because nobody remembered to call.
The less funny part
The Verge notes that Silicon Valley, Google and its CEO Sundar Pichai included, has spent much of this second term trying to stay in the President’s good books, with gifts, compliments and donations to his pet projects. Google did not immediately reply to The Verge’s request for comment.
The AP reported that Trump was in Kentucky to boost Republican candidates, including Ed Gallrein for the US House, as his party faces tough midterms and voter frustration over prices.
Meanwhile, Lake Ontario continues to sit exactly where it has always been, entirely unaware it has been renamed, and still refusing to take anybody’s call.
This is satire. The Google spokesperson, the Maps features and the Apple non-comment are invented. The Trump quotes and Google’s naming policy are real and sourced above.